Washington, DC. In a rousing speech delivered this afternoon to Congress, our obviously superlatively intelligent president, yes, The Bush himself, convinced the nation of the need to fight terror within our own borders. "Today, and every day, America has seen evil. There is a sinister and deadly force loose in our great country. In fact, one American dies every 33 seconds from this insidious and invasive enemy. And make no mistake, my fellow Americans, this enemy is an enemy without and an enemy within...This enemy has outlets, supporters and distribution facilities all over the world...The enemy is cholesterol, and this enemy has many faces. And yet, when we think of this horrible and malicious terror that has plagued our landscape, we cannot fail to seek out the purveyors of this pernicious evil. We cannot be afraid to name the chief agents of this terror worldwide, though they have launched attacks against those who have threatened their evil domain with the truth. Today we must be willing to look in the face of terror and say, we will not retreat..."

"We will fight you Ronald McDonald and your loose network of fellow conspirators whom you name 'competitors.' Yes, friends, Ronald McDonald may seem like a dreadful and daunting foe, but we must confront him, and we will prevail. Today I am declaring war on cholesterol."

"Ronald's network of terror has continued to expand unchecked into every country on the planet...So my fellow Americans, our challenge is immense and our new war will be long and arduous. We must seek out and bring to justice all those who harbor and promote this foul contagion...to the Ronald McDonald's...to the Burger Kings...to the Carl Carchers...to the Taco Bell Chihuahuas of terror and death...we declare today, 'we will find you...we will bring you to justice...there will be no safe haven for you and your deadly designs. We will root you out, and we will prevail. God Bless America!!!"

Thousands of suburban Americans clogged the highways leading into DC decrying Bush's war on cholesterol, and calling for immediate peace. "We fear for our basic rights to consume fatty foods," said Tina Shaparelli of Arlington, VA, "I think that's constitutionally protected, isn't it? You know, right to bear...bear something...fries?"